vol 54 issue 10

Woman Decides Period Over

Woman Decides Period Over

LIBERTY HILL, TX—Making the call five and a half days into her normal cycle, local woman Erica Lauzon, 26, reportedly decided Monday that her period was over. “Yep, that’ll do it. I haven’t really

Moon To Get Mobile Network By 2019

Vodafone and Audi are collaborating to create the first lunar mobile network by 2019 in support of a subsequent private mission to the moon. What do you think?Read more...
Unclear If Shirtless Man In Black-And-White Film Once Considered Attractive

Unclear If Shirtless Man In Black-And-White Film Once Considered Attractive

NASHVILLE—Confused as to how they should react to his physical appearance, sources reported Monday that it was unclear if the actor Ramon Novarro, who appears shirtless multiple times in the 1931
Health Insurance CEO Reveals Key To Company’s Success Is Not Paying For Customers’ Medical Care

Health Insurance CEO Reveals Key To Company’s Success Is Not Paying For Customers’ Medical Care

HARTFORD, CT—During a panel presentation about his company’s recent 76 percent quarterly profit spike, Aetna CEO Mark Bertolini disclosed Monday that the key to increasing earnings in an era of
Hungover Guillermo Del Toro Panics After Realizing He Promised To Write New Movie For Everyone At Oscars After-Party

Hungover Guillermo Del Toro Panics After Realizing He Promised To Write New Movie For Everyone At Oscars After-Party

LOS ANGELES—Growing increasingly nauseous while reading dozens of text messages and email follow-ups, a hungover Guillermo Del Toro reportedly panicked Monday after realizing he promised to write new
‘Diversity Was The Real Winner Last Night,’ Report Hundreds Of Dumbasses Whose Very Existence Insults The Name Of Journalism

‘Diversity Was The Real Winner Last Night,’ Report Hundreds Of Dumbasses Whose Very Existence Insults The Name Of Journalism

LOS ANGELES—Gushing that yesterday’s Oscars had changed the face of Hollywood forever, hundreds of total fucking dumbasses whose very existence insults the name of journalism reported Monday that

‘The Shape of Water’ Wins Best Picture

The highest honor of the 90th Academy Awards went to Guillermo del Toro’s The Shape of Water, a film about the relationship that forms between a mute woman and an amphibious creature. What do you

Childhood Obesity Getting Worse

Despite positive findings in recent years, a study published in the journal Pediatrics revealed that childhood obesity is still on the rise. What do you think?Read more...
People Called Me Crazy When I Said We Were Going To Sell The Common Chicken As Food, But Who’s Laughing Now

People Called Me Crazy When I Said We Were Going To Sell The Common Chicken As Food, But Who’s Laughing Now

Most innovators are mocked in their own time. Doubters and naysayers always do their best to stifle bold thinking, though in my case, I refused to let the negative voices get to me. I knew I’d live to
Teacher In Cash-Strapped Ohio School District Forced To Make Do With Centuries-Old Firearms

Teacher In Cash-Strapped Ohio School District Forced To Make Do With Centuries-Old Firearms

ATHENS, OH—Acknowledging that the Ohio school district’s threadbare budget prevented him from purchasing more up-to-date equipment, local math teacher Kurt Hyde confirmed Tuesday that he was forced to
A Timeline Of Gun Laws In America

A Timeline Of Gun Laws In America

In the wake of another mass shooting, this one at a high school in Parkland, FL that claimed 17 lives, many Americans are demanding lawmakers address the nation’s firearm policies. The Onion presents
Military Historians Discover Majority Of Human Warfare Fought By Disguised Women Taking Place Of Ailing Fathers

Military Historians Discover Majority Of Human Warfare Fought By Disguised Women Taking Place Of Ailing Fathers

LEXINGTON, VA—Upending generations of conventional wisdom about the nature of armed conflict, a new study published Tuesday has found that throughout history, most warfare has been conducted by women
Leonardo DiCaprio Nervous About Telling New Girlfriend He A Virgin

Leonardo DiCaprio Nervous About Telling New Girlfriend He A Virgin

LOS ANGELES—Fearing that such a revelation might derail an otherwise promising relationship, actor Leonardo DiCaprio reported feeling nervous Tuesday about the inevitable moment when he would have to
Report: It Not Hard At All To Imagine Your Coworkers’ Supple, Nude Bodies

Report: It Not Hard At All To Imagine Your Coworkers’ Supple, Nude Bodies

WASHINGTON—Capping off months of intensive research, the U.S. Department of Labor released a report Tuesday confirming that it is not in the least bit difficult to visualize the supple, nude bodies of

Judge Forces Martin Shkreli To Forfeit $2 Million Wu-Tang Clan Album

After his conviction for security fraud, tech investor Martin Shkreli was forced to forfeit $7.36 million in assets, including the Wu-Tang Clan album that he bought at auction for $2 million. What do