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I Can't Stop Watching These Two Soccer Dummies Flop At The Same Time

I Can't Stop Watching These Two Soccer Dummies Flop At The Same Time

Never has an eskimo kiss caused so much imaginary pain.Read more...
Arsenal Are Out Here Just Embarrassing These Jamokes

Arsenal Are Out Here Just Embarrassing These Jamokes

This is the happy time in every Arsenal season. Everyone is healthy, their world-class players are playing up to their reputations, their really good players are playing out of their minds, and their
Lionel Messi Must Really Hate Pep Guardiola And England

Lionel Messi Must Really Hate Pep Guardiola And England

If there have been two criticisms that have followed Lionel Messi around though his career like yappy little dogs nipping at his ankles—too insignificant to be an actual threat, and just persistent
5-Year-Old Diehard Celtic Fan Calls Up Club To Apologize For Missing Game

5-Year-Old Diehard Celtic Fan Calls Up Club To Apologize For Missing Game

Kids these days. They whine and whine about how much they want—no, need—that drum set they’re always going on about, then you get one for them and after two months it sits quietly in the basement,
If Mesut Özil Keeps Scoring Like This, The World Better Watch Out

If Mesut Özil Keeps Scoring Like This, The World Better Watch Out

In Arsenal’s blowout win against Ludogorets yesterday, Mesut Özil scored three goals in the second half. I repeat: Mesut “I Live To Pass And I Never, Ever Shoot So Don’t Ask Me To” Özil scored a hat
First Take Has Nothing On These Portuguese Soccer Pundits

First Take Has Nothing On These Portuguese Soccer Pundits

We might think America’s cadre of shouty TV sports agitators is particularly impressive in a dark and horrifying kind of way, but these two guys on Portugal’s Prolongamento seem like they could bury
Pep Guardiola Very Politely Sons British Journalist

Pep Guardiola Very Politely Sons British Journalist

British journalist: “Pep, do you think your failure to beat the best team in the world a couple months into you tenure at a brand new club means you might consider throwing away the tactical
Chelsea Need Just 30 Seconds To Take Lead On Manchester United

Chelsea Need Just 30 Seconds To Take Lead On Manchester United

Pedro made mincemeat of Man United defense en route to giving Chelsea a 1-0 lead just 30 seconds into their match today at Stamford Bridge. Let’s give Marcos Alonso a hand for the assist, too.Read
This Soccer Highlight Is The Absolute Worst Soccer Highlight

This Soccer Highlight Is The Absolute Worst Soccer Highlight

The New York Red Bulls’ reserve team faced off against the Swope Park Rangers in something called the USL Cup Final last night. The Rangers, however, were justifiably forced to forfeit before the 90
The Premier League Has Never Been Better

The Premier League Has Never Been Better

Coming into this rich and talented and historically well-coached Premier League season, no one had any real idea about who was good and who was bad and who would win (probably Manchester City). Then
Lionel Messi Had Some Unkind Things To Say About These Fans' Mothers

Lionel Messi Had Some Unkind Things To Say About These Fans' Mothers

Barcelona came agonizingly close to losing Sunday’s battle against Valencia, and might’ve even ended up losing the war for La Liga with Andrés Iniesta’s knee injury. But it’s never smart to count out
Las Palmas' Exquisite Team Goal Will Make You Drool

Las Palmas' Exquisite Team Goal Will Make You Drool

A chipped through ball. A volleyed backheel assist. A leaping, volleyed scissor-kick for a shot. Goals don’t get much better than this.Read more...
Xherdan Shaqiri's Left Foot Had A Hell Of A Game

Xherdan Shaqiri's Left Foot Had A Hell Of A Game

It seems almost quaint now to remember that last summer, the fallen wonderkid Xherdan Shaqiri at first rejected, before accepting, the bejeweled life raft Stoke City tossed him in order to rescue him
Apparently It Was All Barcelona's Fault That Some Dickhead Threw A Bottle At Them

Apparently It Was All Barcelona's Fault That Some Dickhead Threw A Bottle At Them

This past weekend, Barcelona scored a last-minute penalty to eke out a critical away win against Valencia. The players were very excited, so they celebrated. The Valencia fans were very upset, so they
Julian Green Scores First Competitive Goal For Bayern Munich, Rest Of Europe Trembles In Fear

Julian Green Scores First Competitive Goal For Bayern Munich, Rest Of Europe Trembles In Fear

The biggest story of the soccer season for American soccer fans has been the ascendance of the Wonderteen Christian Pulisic from Dortmund bench guy to potential Lionel Messi understudy, so it’s been
Manchester United Avoid Humiliation By Winning A Worthless Manchester Derby

Manchester United Avoid Humiliation By Winning A Worthless Manchester Derby

The most interesting part of yesterday’s match between Manchesters United and City—it’s an insult to the proud tradition of the Manchester Derby to use that hallowed moniker when describing an early
Barcelona Go To The Mattresses Against La Liga Over Bottle-Throwing Incident

Barcelona Go To The Mattresses Against La Liga Over Bottle-Throwing Incident

This weekend, as you may have heard, some shit-brained Valencia fan threw a bottle at some Barcelona players because he was mad they beat his team. As you also might’ve learned, this was apparently
Ronaldo On His Biggest Influence (Himself), His Biggest Inspiration (Himself), And How He Craves The Hate

Ronaldo On His Biggest Influence (Himself), His Biggest Inspiration (Himself), And How He Craves The Hate

Man, Cristiano Ronaldo sure does love him some Cristiano Ronaldo. From representations of his well-chiseled body to his facially-imprecise but amply-bedicked statue, to a glorified home movie
West Brom Fans Celebrate Their Team's Demolishment With Brilliant Chant

West Brom Fans Celebrate Their Team's Demolishment With Brilliant Chant

Poor-and-not-very-good West Brom hosted rich-and-extremely-talented Manchester City this weekend, and the game played out just as the two clubs’ payrolls might’ve indicated. But rather than stew in
Neymar Tried To Shove An Opponent Down Some Stairs

Neymar Tried To Shove An Opponent Down Some Stairs

Barcelona’s Neymar is probably the most disrespected and detested player in Spain. It’s hard to differentiate cause from effect when it comes to the kicks and insults he is regularly subjected to and
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