It has been less than a week since President Donald Trump warned that he might flat-out ban flavored e-cigarettes because Melania has a son, or whatever. That means for several straight days, we've been panic-buying mango JUUL pods and wondering what new, mildly dangerous product we'll have to use in order to keep slowly chipping away at our own life expectancy.
But then the grease-stained angels at Pizza Hut announced the arrival of its new Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza, and we breathed the deepest sigh of relief our vape-shredded lungs allowed. Thanks to these Cheddar-filled squares, the fact that our retirement plan is just a faded Princess Diana Beanie Baby and a stack of mango JUUL pods doesn't seem to matter anymore.
The Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza is available at Pizza Hut as of today, and each order involves four oversized orange squares that are filled with Cheez It-flavored sharp Cheddar cheese. The $6.49 pizza (if that's even the right term for these… cheese pillows) comes in cheese-only or pepperoni-and-cheese versions, and it's served with a side of marinara dipping sauce.
"We pride ourselves on being the go-to for unexpected pizza innovations, and I can't think of a more badass partner than Cheez-It to bring our next original menu item to life," Pizza Hut chief brand officer Marianne Radley said in a statement that referred to the two brands as "household legends." (Radley is also the first person to refer use 'Cheez-It' and 'badass' in the same sentence since your second stepdad asked you if you thought that it was 'badass' to buy a box with the five bucks you swiped from his wallet. And Jeff, it was.)
Radley told CNBC that the Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza is the first product that Pizza Hut has released in partnership with Kellogg, and the two companies are already thinking about what other limited-edition products they might release together in 2020. (And if anyone falls in love with this Stuffed Cheez-It thing, it might be back next year, too.)
Pizza Hut has been way into the cheese-and-cheese-stuffed thing this year. In March, it temporarily brought back the P'Zone, its early aughts attempt at a calzone. In June, the Cheesy Bites Pizza—the one with the crust made of 28 individual, uh, cheesy bites—was in restaurants for a limited time, and it's easy to get that one confused with February's Ultimate Cheesy Crust Pizza which had 16 cheese-filled "pockets" in its crust.
VICE has reached out to Pizza Hut to find out how long the Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza will be on the menu. In the meantime, we'll be sketching out some ideas for a JUUL Stuffed Crust, because nobody wants to live forever anyway.