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The Onion

Michael Cohen Says He Paid To Rig Polls In Trump’s Favor

Michael Cohen Says He Paid To Rig Polls In Trump’s Favor

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen revealed that he paid $13,000 at the direction of Trump to rig several 2016 polls in the then-presidential candidate’s favor. What do you think?Read more...
Patriots Score 2 Touchdowns Against Chiefs In Preemptive Strike Before AFC Championship Game

Patriots Score 2 Touchdowns Against Chiefs In Preemptive Strike Before AFC Championship Game

KANSAS CITY, MO—In an effort to gain a competitive advantage against a formidable opponent, the New England Patriots scored two touchdowns against the Chiefs Friday in a preemptive strike before
ICE Launches Campaign To Reunite Immigrant Children With Arresting Officer

ICE Launches Campaign To Reunite Immigrant Children With Arresting Officer

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to ease the transition of vulnerable young refugees into an unfamiliar new home, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced a new campaign Friday which aims to reunite
ISS Astronaut Sick Of Sharing Confined Space With Crass, Disgusting Partner From Polaris 8

ISS Astronaut Sick Of Sharing Confined Space With Crass, Disgusting Partner From Polaris 8

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Maintaining that he is always the one wiping ectoplasm off the zero-gravity toilet at the end of the week, Expedition 57 astronaut Alexander Gerst confirmed Friday that he has grown
Fans Shocked After Marie Kondo Reveals She Has Been Dating Untidy Cupboard For Past 6 Months

Fans Shocked After Marie Kondo Reveals She Has Been Dating Untidy Cupboard For Past 6 Months

BROOKLYN, NY—Shocked, disillusioned, and even somewhat betrayed by the unlikely pairing, fans of best-selling author and decluttering guru Marie Kondo were reacting with general disapproval Friday at
Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water

Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water

KANSAS CITY—Expressing regret and shame for having “completely overindulged,” New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady confessed feelings of guilt Friday after gorging himself on a full order of
Yahoo! Turns 25

Yahoo! Turns 25

Founded in January 1994, Yahoo! has been involved in many of the internet’s biggest changes and challenges over its existence. The Onion looks back at the biggest moments in the web service provider’s
Woman Didn’t Know Progress On Toxic Masculinity Would Turn Boyfriend Into Such A Weepy Little Pansy

Woman Didn’t Know Progress On Toxic Masculinity Would Turn Boyfriend Into Such A Weepy Little Pansy

APPLETON, WI—Expressing disbelief at her romantic partner’s dramatic behavioral shift, local woman Emily Kittleson, 30, told reporters Friday that she had not expected her boyfriend’s attempts to
John Bolton Insists Iran Likely Harboring Dangerous Terrorist Osama Bin Laden

John Bolton Insists Iran Likely Harboring Dangerous Terrorist Osama Bin Laden

WASHINGTON—In an impassioned call for preemptive action against the Middle Eastern nation, United States national security advisor John Bolton insisted Thursday that Iran was likely harboring the
‘Don’t Make Me Regret This,’ Mueller Tells Rick Gates Before Uncuffing Him To Work On Investigation Together

‘Don’t Make Me Regret This,’ Mueller Tells Rick Gates Before Uncuffing Him To Work On Investigation Together

WASHINGTON—Advising the former political consultant not to take advantage of his goodwill, Special Counsel Robert Mueller reportedly told Rick Gates Thursday “don’t make me regret this” before
Pelosi Asks Trump To Delay State of the Union During Shutdown

Pelosi Asks Trump To Delay State of the Union During Shutdown

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi asked the president to delay the State of the Union—typically scheduled for January 29—until the shutdown ends, citing security concerns and obstacles in planning. What do