Nothing was found on your request

The Onion

Trump Approval Plunges Amidst Shutdown

Trump Approval Plunges Amidst Shutdown

As the government shutdown extends to the longest in history, a new NPR/PBS/Marist poll found Trump’s approval down to 39 percent, a seven-point net change in the past month. What do you think?Read
Dan Savage Disgusted By Letter From Perverted Reader Contemplating Oral Sex

Dan Savage Disgusted By Letter From Perverted Reader Contemplating Oral Sex

SEATTLE—Calling it the most debauched correspondence that had ever been submitted to “Savage Love,” advice columnist Dan Savage was disgusted Monday by a letter from a perverted reader contemplating
Man Beginning To Worry That Best Meals Already Behind Him

Man Beginning To Worry That Best Meals Already Behind Him

CHICAGO—Lamenting that his glory days of college cafeterias, burger joints, and taco trucks are now shrinking in life’s rear-view mirror, sales associate Alan Thompson, 29, was reportedly beginning to
Queen Elizabeth Watches As Oxen Pull Apart Farmer Who Failed To Provide Yearly Tithe Of Grain

Queen Elizabeth Watches As Oxen Pull Apart Farmer Who Failed To Provide Yearly Tithe Of Grain

LONDON—Demonstrating in no uncertain terms that any peasant who sought to shirk his or her duty would be summarily dealt with, Queen Elizabeth looked on dispassionately Friday as a team of four oxen,
Nation Celebrates MLK Day

Nation Celebrates MLK Day

Today, Americans will celebrate Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday to commemorate his life and historic contributions to the Civil Rights Movement. What do you think?Read more...
Doctor Weirded Out By Patient She Just Met Providing Every Lurid Detail Of Medical History

Doctor Weirded Out By Patient She Just Met Providing Every Lurid Detail Of Medical History

PHILADELPHIA—Entering her examination room to find a woman describing in detail how she had once spent several hours coughing up blood, general practitioner Anika Korman described her state of mind as
Orlando Locals Fear Town Starting To Become Overrun By Tourists

Orlando Locals Fear Town Starting To Become Overrun By Tourists

ORLANDO, FL—Expressing concerns that their home was starting to lose its distinctive character, Orlando locals were reportedly worried Monday that their beloved town was becoming completely overrun by
Polar Vortex Splits Into U.S.-Chilling Rings

Polar Vortex Splits Into U.S.-Chilling Rings

The polar vortex—the swirling winds above the arctic—has fractured into three rings that will spread freezing temperatures through the eastern U.S. in late January. What do you think?Read more...
Michael Cohen Says He Paid To Rig Polls In Trump’s Favor

Michael Cohen Says He Paid To Rig Polls In Trump’s Favor

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen revealed that he paid $13,000 at the direction of Trump to rig several 2016 polls in the then-presidential candidate’s favor. What do you think?Read more...
Patriots Score 2 Touchdowns Against Chiefs In Preemptive Strike Before AFC Championship Game

Patriots Score 2 Touchdowns Against Chiefs In Preemptive Strike Before AFC Championship Game

KANSAS CITY, MO—In an effort to gain a competitive advantage against a formidable opponent, the New England Patriots scored two touchdowns against the Chiefs Friday in a preemptive strike before
ICE Launches Campaign To Reunite Immigrant Children With Arresting Officer

ICE Launches Campaign To Reunite Immigrant Children With Arresting Officer

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to ease the transition of vulnerable young refugees into an unfamiliar new home, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced a new campaign Friday which aims to reunite
ISS Astronaut Sick Of Sharing Confined Space With Crass, Disgusting Partner From Polaris 8

ISS Astronaut Sick Of Sharing Confined Space With Crass, Disgusting Partner From Polaris 8

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Maintaining that he is always the one wiping ectoplasm off the zero-gravity toilet at the end of the week, Expedition 57 astronaut Alexander Gerst confirmed Friday that he has grown
Fans Shocked After Marie Kondo Reveals She Has Been Dating Untidy Cupboard For Past 6 Months

Fans Shocked After Marie Kondo Reveals She Has Been Dating Untidy Cupboard For Past 6 Months

BROOKLYN, NY—Shocked, disillusioned, and even somewhat betrayed by the unlikely pairing, fans of best-selling author and decluttering guru Marie Kondo were reacting with general disapproval Friday at