The Onion

Congress Approves $3 Billion In Military Aid For Netanyahu To Defend Self Against Israeli Justice System

Congress Approves $3 Billion In Military Aid For Netanyahu To Defend Self Against Israeli Justice System

WASHINGTON—Justifying the expenditure as necessary to preserve the only bastion of democracy in the Middle East, both houses of Congress voted unanimously Thursday to extend $3 billion in emergency
Sondland Testifies He Pressured Ukraine Into Biden Investigation

Sondland Testifies He Pressured Ukraine Into Biden Investigation

Affirming a central claim of the House Democrat impeachment effort, Republican megadonor and U.S. ambassador Gordon Sondland testified that he acted under President Trump’s direction and with White
Gabe Newell Reveals To ‘Half-Life’ Fans That They Are In Hell And He Is Their Devilish Master

Gabe Newell Reveals To ‘Half-Life’ Fans That They Are In Hell And He Is Their Devilish Master

When we first heard Valve CEO Gabe Newell had an announcement about the Half-Life series planned for this week, we (and presumably every gamer with a pulse) were excited to finally see a continuation
Only Person Who Ever Truly Saw World For What It Is Starts Antidepressant Medication

Only Person Who Ever Truly Saw World For What It Is Starts Antidepressant Medication

DAYTON, OH—Voluntarily surrendering the remarkable talent that gave her profound insight into the true nature of existence, the only person with the ability to see the world for what it actually is
Sweating, Grunting Mike Pence Straining To Rapture Himself Before Impeachment Inquiry Goes Any Further

Sweating, Grunting Mike Pence Straining To Rapture Himself Before Impeachment Inquiry Goes Any Further

WASHINGTON—Gritting his teeth as his face reddened with effort, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly straining to rapture himself Thursday before the impeachment inquiry into President Trump could
DNC Server Celebrates Escape From U.S. Jurisdiction Surrounded By Bikini-Clad Women On Yacht In Black Sea

DNC Server Celebrates Escape From U.S. Jurisdiction Surrounded By Bikini-Clad Women On Yacht In Black Sea

BLACK SEA—Relaxing on the luxury ship after having gotten away with the greatest scheme in U.S. history scot-free, the Democratic National Committee server was reportedly celebrating its escape from
‘Frozen 2’ Creators Confirm That Elsa Gay But Also Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist

‘Frozen 2’ Creators Confirm That Elsa Gay But Also Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist

BURBANK, CA—Responding at last to rumors surrounding the beloved animated character, Frozen 2 co-directors Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee confirmed Thursday that Elsa is gay but also a trans-exclusionary
Democrats Hold Fifth Presidential Debate

Democrats Hold Fifth Presidential Debate

Ten Democratic hopefuls took the stage in Atlanta Wednesday night to compete for voter support as the four front-runners—former Vice President Joe Biden, South Bend mayor Pete Buttigieg, Sen.
Two Charged In Epstein Death

Two Charged In Epstein Death

Two prison guards have been charged for falsifying records and failing in their duty to check on Jeffrey Epstein every 30 minutes on the night of his death. What do you think?Read more...
Awesome Tie-In: Thousands Of Dock Workers Across America Have Been Driving Forklifts As An Apparent Shadow Promotion For ‘Shenmue 3’

Awesome Tie-In: Thousands Of Dock Workers Across America Have Been Driving Forklifts As An Apparent Shadow Promotion For ‘Shenmue 3’

It’s been an agonizing wait for Shenmue fans awaiting the continuation of Yu Suzuki’s revolutionary Dreamcast classic. But thanks to thousands of Kickstarter backers, we’re finally getting the sequel
Cory Booker Taken Aback To Find Dozens Of Pictures Of Himself On Buttigieg Campaign Flyers

Cory Booker Taken Aback To Find Dozens Of Pictures Of Himself On Buttigieg Campaign Flyers

WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise that he was featured so prominently in a rival’s literature, presidential candidate Cory Booker was reportedly taken aback Wednesday after discovering his picture dozens