The Onion

Author Of ‘Introduction To Algebra’ Recalls Textbook Being Rejected By 12 Publishers Before Getting Accepted

Author Of ‘Introduction To Algebra’ Recalls Textbook Being Rejected By 12 Publishers Before Getting Accepted

NEW YORK—Recalling how his best-selling mathematics primer had struggled to garner any attention from top textbook agents, author Bruce Gallagher confirmed Friday that his runaway blockbuster
New Report Finds Link Between Each Passing Day, Jeanette Getting More Beautiful

New Report Finds Link Between Each Passing Day, Jeanette Getting More Beautiful

SAN DIEGO—Shedding new light on the young woman’s mystifying allure, a report released Friday found a link between the passing days and the fair Jeanette growing ever more beautiful. “According to our
Watching The Olympics Has Inspired Me To Start Trying To Jump Over Stuff

Watching The Olympics Has Inspired Me To Start Trying To Jump Over Stuff

The Olympics never fail to leave me in awe. It is both humbling and enthralling to witness what the greatest athletes in the world can accomplish when they work hard and push themselves to excel. And
Sighing, Resigned Climate Scientists Say To Just Enjoy Next 20 Years As Much As You Can

Sighing, Resigned Climate Scientists Say To Just Enjoy Next 20 Years As Much As You Can

GENEVA—Attending a conference to discuss alarming new data on rising sea levels, a weary group of top climatologists suddenly halted their presentation Friday, let out a long sigh, and stated that the
Tips​​ For​​ Getting​​ The ​​Most​​ Out​​ Of ​​Life

Tips​​ For​​ Getting​​ The ​​Most​​ Out​​ Of ​​Life

Travel to a foreign country and have a once-in-a-lifetime experience with someone you love, or, short of that, just convince yourself that happiness comes from within.Read more...
Jennifer Lawrence Tells Critics Of Her Versace Dress To ‘Get A Grip’

Jennifer Lawrence Tells Critics Of Her Versace Dress To ‘Get A Grip’

After drawing criticism from feminists for wearing a revealing dress during the premiere of her new thriller Red Sparrow, Jennifer Lawrence responded that the complaints were “sexist” and
Ivanka Trump To Keep Focus On Athletes, Not North Korea, During Winter Olympics Trip

Ivanka Trump To Keep Focus On Athletes, Not North Korea, During Winter Olympics Trip

Saying she was merely excited to support U.S. athletes, First Daughter Ivanka Trump clarified that her trip to the Winter Olympics would not be spent engaging diplomatically with North Korea. What do
Oxfam: ‘Your Donation Will Help Us Protect Impoverished Girls From Our Employees’

Oxfam: ‘Your Donation Will Help Us Protect Impoverished Girls From Our Employees’

OXFORD, ENGLAND—International nongovernmental organization Oxfam announced a new pledge campaign Thursday requesting help in their effort to protect impoverished girls from sexual predation at the
Employees Annoyed At Having To Attend 3-Hour-Long Sexual Seduction Training

Employees Annoyed At Having To Attend 3-Hour-Long Sexual Seduction Training

SPARKS, MD—Noting that the extensive program would significantly cut into their workday, employees at digital agency IMERQ were reportedly annoyed Thursday at having to attend a three-hour-long sexual
Essential Oils: Myth vs. Fact

Essential Oils: Myth vs. Fact

Essential oils have grown increasingly popular as natural remedies for common health problems, but their actual effectiveness is the subject of much debate. The Onion outlines some of the myths and
Badass Churchgoer Doesn’t Even Have To Look At Hymnal

Badass Churchgoer Doesn’t Even Have To Look At Hymnal

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Staring in awe at the total goddamn renegade in the front pew, witnesses told reporters Sunday that badass churchgoer Frank Wittman knew the words without even having to glance at
Drinking Alcohol Linked To Long Life

Drinking Alcohol Linked To Long Life

Neurologists at the University of California found that moderate drinking is linked to living longer than 90, with 2 glasses of beer or wine per day decreasing premature deaths by 18%. What do you
Nation’s Beekeepers Warn They Don’t Know How Much Longer They Can Hold Back Swarms’ Wrath

Nation’s Beekeepers Warn They Don’t Know How Much Longer They Can Hold Back Swarms’ Wrath

PEACHAM, VT—Telling friends and neighbors to flee for their lives before it was too late, the nation’s beekeepers stated Thursday they were unsure how much longer they could hold back the furious