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The Onion

PETA Condemns BBC For Trapping Thousands Of Endangered Animals Inside TV Screens

PETA Condemns BBC For Trapping Thousands Of Endangered Animals Inside TV Screens

LOS ANGELES—Slamming the practice as cruel and inhumane, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals condemned the British Broadcasting Corporation Tuesday for trapping thousands of endangered
Rudolph Giuliani: ‘Truth Isn’t Truth’

Rudolph Giuliani: ‘Truth Isn’t Truth’

Describing his reluctance to allow the president to speak with the special counsel’s office, Trump lawyer Rudolph Giuliani told Meet The Press host Chuck Todd that “truth isn’t truth.” What do you
Frustrated Men Demand To Know ‘Exactly Where On Tits It Okay To Touch Nowadays’

Frustrated Men Demand To Know ‘Exactly Where On Tits It Okay To Touch Nowadays’

KUTZTOWN, PA—Expressing their confusion and anger over today’s ever-changing social mores, the nation’s self-described “frustrated ordinary men” demanded Tuesday that someone tell them exactly which
New Neutrogena Extra-Strength Face Wash Instantly Dissolves Bad Skin

New Neutrogena Extra-Strength Face Wash Instantly Dissolves Bad Skin

LOS ANGELES—Claiming their new quick-acting solution will slough off your oily T-zone and other problem areas within seconds, Neutrogena introduced Tuesday an extra-strength face wash that instantly
Record Number Died In Opioid Epidemic In 2017

Record Number Died In Opioid Epidemic In 2017

Overdoses from opioids hit a record high of 72,000, CDC estimates suggest, although deaths have started decreasing in parts of New England thanks to government responses. What do you think?Read
LeBron James Crestfallen After Learning L.A. Doesn’t Have Any Rock And Roll Museums

LeBron James Crestfallen After Learning L.A. Doesn’t Have Any Rock And Roll Museums

LOS ANGELES—Disappointed that his new home lacked Cleveland’s amazing variety of cultural institutions, Lakers power forward LeBron James was reportedly crestfallen Tuesday after learning Los Angeles
Emotional Elon Musk Recalls Spending Entire Birthday Working On Concepts For Mistreating Employees

Emotional Elon Musk Recalls Spending Entire Birthday Working On Concepts For Mistreating Employees

LOS ANGELES—Revealing his vulnerable side in a starkly honest interview, an emotional Elon Musk recalled this week how he spent his entire birthday alone working on concepts for new ways to mistreat
Ingenious Political Analyst Points Out Irony Of Melania Trump Speaking Out Against Cyber Bullying When Her Husband Donald Trump

Ingenious Political Analyst Points Out Irony Of Melania Trump Speaking Out Against Cyber Bullying When Her Husband Donald Trump

WASHINGTON—In a dazzling display of superior intellect and penetrating insight, ingenious political analyst Mark Morelli pointed out Monday the irony of Melania Trump speaking out against
Trump Cancels Military Parade, Citing Price

Trump Cancels Military Parade, Citing Price

President Trump cancelled plans for a Washington, D.C. military parade originally scheduled to happen on Nov. 10, 2018, blaming costs reported to be as high as $92 million. What do you think?Read
Trump Accuses Voters Of Meddling In Midterms

Trump Accuses Voters Of Meddling In Midterms

WASHINGTON—Warning that the group was secretly planning to affect the outcome of the November elections, President Donald Trump accused voters Monday of meddling in the upcoming midterms. “It’s clear
Secretary Of Education Reveals She’s Forced To Use Own Salary On Yacht Supplies

Secretary Of Education Reveals She’s Forced To Use Own Salary On Yacht Supplies

WASHINGTON—Tearing up while describing how insufficient government funding often fails to cover the cost of essential materials, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos revealed Monday that she was forced
Icy Cave At Peak Of Andes Mountains Now Sole Remaining Place On Earth Where You Can Escape This

Icy Cave At Peak Of Andes Mountains Now Sole Remaining Place On Earth Where You Can Escape This

MENDOZA PROVINCE, ARGENTINA—Noting that it was the only location on the planet to calm your mind and forget about everything going on, sources confirmed Monday that a secluded cave on an icy peak in
Michael Cohen Relieved To Remember It Illegal To Charge Lawyer With Crime

Michael Cohen Relieved To Remember It Illegal To Charge Lawyer With Crime

NEW YORK—Admitting that he initially started to panic upon discovering that federal prosecutors were investigating him for charges of bank and tax fraud, Michael Cohen reportedly expressed relief