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The Onion

‘The Powerpuff Girls’ Turns 20

‘The Powerpuff Girls’ Turns 20

Nov. 18 marks 20 years since the debut of The Powerpuff Girls, the Craig McCracken–created cartoon that follows three kindergarten-aged girls with superpowers. The Onion looks back at the beloved show
Metropolitan Museum Acquires Another Vase

Metropolitan Museum Acquires Another Vase

NEW YORK—Heralding the 2,200-year-old fired-clay container as a priceless addition to one of the world’s largest collections of same, the Metropolitan Museum of Art held a press conference Friday to
Hate Crimes Continue To Rise

Hate Crimes Continue To Rise

An FBI report found that the number of reported hate crimes increased by 17 percent in 2017, with a notable 37 percent surge in anti-Jewish incidents. What do you think?Read more...
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

TULSA, OK—Pausing very briefly to reflect joyfully on her new role amid the day’s flurry of activity, new parent Suzanne Knott declared “becoming a mother has been the most thrilling experience of my
Speakeasy Patrons Apparently Unaware It Legal To Go To Regular Bars Again

Speakeasy Patrons Apparently Unaware It Legal To Go To Regular Bars Again

DENVER—Seemingly oblivious to the fact that Prohibition had ended roughly 85 years ago, a group of patrons attending a speakeasy Friday were apparently unaware that it is legal to go to regular bars
Archaeologists Apologize For Murdering Last Remaining Neanderthal In Fit Of Crazed Bloodlust

Archaeologists Apologize For Murdering Last Remaining Neanderthal In Fit Of Crazed Bloodlust

ANGERS, FRANCE—Expressing their contrition over the unfortunate incident, a team of archeologists from the Smithsonian Institution held a press conference Friday to apologize after discovering the
Supercuts Now Offering To Give Customers Baths For $14.99

Supercuts Now Offering To Give Customers Baths For $14.99

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to enhance the grooming experience at the company’s more than 2,400 locations, Supercuts announced Friday that they are now offering customer baths starting at $14.99. “Just
Khashoggi Assassin Hopes Bonus Check From Saudi Crown Prince Clears Before Execution

Khashoggi Assassin Hopes Bonus Check From Saudi Crown Prince Clears Before Execution

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Expressing concerns about losing out on hard-earned blood money, a member of the Khashoggi assassination squad admitted Friday that he hoped his bonus check from the Saudi Crown
China Introduces New One-Uighur Policy

China Introduces New One-Uighur Policy

BEIJING—In an effort to reduce the risk of overpopulation within the Muslim ethnic group, Chinese President Xi Jinping announced the decision Thursday to implement a new one-Uighur policy. “This new
George R.R. Martin Admits He Struggling With New Book

George R.R. Martin Admits He Struggling With New Book

In a recent interview, A Song of Ice And Fire author George R.R. Martin admitted that the plot’s expansiveness and the pressures of expectations have caused him to struggle with the Game Of Thrones
Mother Feels A Little Validated After Daughter Who Stayed Out Late Gets Murdered

Mother Feels A Little Validated After Daughter Who Stayed Out Late Gets Murdered

AVONDALE, OH—Confessing that her grief was somewhat moderated by seeing events play out exactly as she had warned, local mother Deborah Klein said Thursday she felt somewhat vindicated upon learning
Saudi Crown Prince Begins 100 Hours Of Court-Ordered Community Service For Murdering Jamal Khashoggi

Saudi Crown Prince Begins 100 Hours Of Court-Ordered Community Service For Murdering Jamal Khashoggi

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Working with cleaning crews alongside the Riyadh-Dammam Highway, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman began serving his 100 hours of court-ordered community service Thursday for
Report: Underfunded Public Schools Lacking Basic Support Systems Leave Students Perfectly Prepared For Rest Of Life

Report: Underfunded Public Schools Lacking Basic Support Systems Leave Students Perfectly Prepared For Rest Of Life

WASHINGTON—A report released Thursday by the U.S. Department of Education revealed that underfunded American public schools, most of which lack even the most basic support systems, were producing
Wealth-Burdened Nation Grateful For Opportunity to Spend Money At New Onion Store

Wealth-Burdened Nation Grateful For Opportunity to Spend Money At New Onion Store

NEW YORK—Praising the media outlet for helping relieve them of their albatross, the wealth-burdened nation expressed gratitude Thursday to America’s Finest News Source for giving them the opportunity
Wildfires More Frequent Because Of Climate Change, Forest Management

Wildfires More Frequent Because Of Climate Change, Forest Management

Large wildfires have increased due to both the climate warming by 1.3 degrees over the past 60 years and forest management, leading to a fivefold increase in major fires since the 1970s. What do you