The Onion

Yankees Fans Pack Stadium For Asshole Heritage Night

Yankees Fans Pack Stadium For Asshole Heritage Night

NEW YORK—Selling out the entire venue and filling the standing room to capacity, thousands of fans flocked to Yankee Stadium Friday to proudly celebrate asshole heritage night. “Today, we honor the
Hollywood Producer Can’t Help But Think About How Much Money He Could Make Off Movie About Harvey Weinstein Scandal

Hollywood Producer Can’t Help But Think About How Much Money He Could Make Off Movie About Harvey Weinstein Scandal

LOS ANGELES—Noting the interest generated by the extensive television coverage of Harvey Weinstein’s arraignment on sexual assault charges, Hollywood producer Jeff Moss admitted Friday that he can’t
Trump Cancels Meeting With North Korea

Trump Cancels Meeting With North Korea

President Trump pulled out of a planned June meeting with North Korea in a letter citing “hostility” displayed in a recent statement, apparently alluding to a North Korean official mocking Vice
Flight Attendant Licks Her Lips As Traveler Approaches Gate With Large Suitcase

Flight Attendant Licks Her Lips As Traveler Approaches Gate With Large Suitcase

BOSTON—Positively salivating at the unsuspecting customer moving in her direction, flight attendant Melissa Holmes reportedly licked her lips Friday as a traveler approached the gate with a large
Report: No Way College Japan Society Can Match Lofty Promises Made By Poster Hanging In Library

Report: No Way College Japan Society Can Match Lofty Promises Made By Poster Hanging In Library

ALLENTOWN, PA—Purporting to read right through the grandstanding handbill, sources confirmed Friday that there could be absolutely no way Muhlenberg College’s Japan Society could fulfill the lofty
Heartbreaking: This Guy’s Uncle Is Racist But Not Quite Racist Enough For Him To Get Any Viral Content Out Of It

Heartbreaking: This Guy’s Uncle Is Racist But Not Quite Racist Enough For Him To Get Any Viral Content Out Of It

Fellow liberal activists, get ready to feel for this guy, because he’s living out any #Resistance member’s absolute nightmare: His uncle is racist, but not quite racist enough for him to get any viral
Jared Kushner’s Security Clearance Restored

Jared Kushner’s Security Clearance Restored

White House senior advisor Jared Kushner had his security clearance restored after temporarily losing it amid the uncertainty of the special counsel’s ongoing investigation. What do you think?Read
L’Oreal Suspends Production Of Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick After Lab Rat Seduces Way Out Of Facility

L’Oreal Suspends Production Of Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick After Lab Rat Seduces Way Out Of Facility

NEW YORK—Warning that the sultry, long-lasting product had been instrumental in the company’s biggest security breach to date, L’Oreal has halted testing of their Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick
God Flees Universe With $250 In Cash

God Flees Universe With $250 In Cash

THE COSMOS—Jumping into His primer-gray Chevy and booking it away from the sum totality of all existence, the Lord God Almighty, the Alpha and Omega, He Who Commanded the Light to Shine Out of
ClickHole Is Updating Its Privacy Policy

ClickHole Is Updating Its Privacy Policy

Here at ClickHole, user security is not something we treat lightly. That’s why we want you to know that we are beefing up our privacy policy so everyone feels safe and comfortable when visiting the
New NFL Policy Requires Players To Either Stand For National Anthem Or Stay In Locker Room

New NFL Policy Requires Players To Either Stand For National Anthem Or Stay In Locker Room

A recently passed NFL policy will require players to cease kneeling on the field, forcing them to either stand for the national anthem or stay in the locker room, an option that had previously not
Americans Freed From North Korea Sent Back To Pyongyang After Denuclearization Talks Fall Through

Americans Freed From North Korea Sent Back To Pyongyang After Denuclearization Talks Fall Through

WASHINGTON—Struggling as they were handcuffed and removed from their homes, three American citizens recently freed from North Korea were sent back to Pyongyang Thursday after denuclearization talks
Other 193 Countries Begin Insulting Mike Pence In Hopes Of Avoiding Future Meetings With Trump

Other 193 Countries Begin Insulting Mike Pence In Hopes Of Avoiding Future Meetings With Trump

BERLIN—Leaping at the chance to never again deal with the U.S. after North Korea’s disparaging remarks towards the vice president, leaders from the other 193 nations of the world began insulting Mike
‘You Better Give Our Dad A Good Trade Deal Or You’ll Be Sorry!’ Shout Angry Trump Boys On Phone With Employee Of Local Chinese Restaurant

‘You Better Give Our Dad A Good Trade Deal Or You’ll Be Sorry!’ Shout Angry Trump Boys On Phone With Employee Of Local Chinese Restaurant

WASHINGTON—Issuing a series of threats and warnings to gain the East Asian government’s cooperation, an angry Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump reportedly shouted “You better give our dad a good trade
Jared Kushner Excited To Finally Visit White House After Gaining Security Clearance

Jared Kushner Excited To Finally Visit White House After Gaining Security Clearance

WASHINGTON—Following a period of uncertainty during a months-long FBI background check, Senior Adviser to the President Jared Kushner told reporters Thursday he’s excited to finally visit the White
Fan Doubtful ‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’ Can Live Up To Denny’s Blaster Fire Burger

Fan Doubtful ‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’ Can Live Up To Denny’s Blaster Fire Burger

GREEN BAY, WI—Expressing concern that the latest film might let fans like him down, area man Tom Molina was doubtful Thursday that Solo: A Star Wars Story could ever live up to Denny’s Blaster Fire
Friend Insists You Just Have To Climb Ladder, Hop Gap, Scale Wall To See The View From Apartment’s Roof

Friend Insists You Just Have To Climb Ladder, Hop Gap, Scale Wall To See The View From Apartment’s Roof

DENVER—Promising that it was really easy to get up there once you duck through the kitchen window, local man Alex Butler told his friends Thursday that you just have to climb a ladder, hop a 2-foot