If Eligible Bachelor Lists Were Honest

If Eligible Bachelor Lists Were Honest

Huffington Post

Ladies! Since we all know the world only treats you like a full human if you're sharing your days with someone who also wants to have sex with you, we’ve scoured the entire big bad apple for the best men in the current dating pool. Without further ado, our list of NYC’s Most Technically Single Bachelors:

JADEN WALKER
man

AGE: 25 at heart. 26 in years.
JOB: Financial Analyst
IDEAL OUTFIT FOR BOTH YOU AND YOUR DATE: I just want us both to be comfortable! For me, some jeans and a T. For her, anything size zero.
WHAT PEOPLE DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU: I’ve had to work for everything I have because my family money only goes back 2 generations.
WHAT IS YOUR BEST TRAIT: Amazing listener.
WHAT IS YOUR WORST TRAIT: Sorry what was the question my friend just sent me this hilarious Vine of a goat.
THE BEST WAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME: After we’ve been dating five years and she tells me she’s going to take a job in Singapore.
THE BEST WAY TO PROPOSE: Tell her to stop using Singapore as an empty threat and if what she really wants is marriage to just say it.

RYAN KELLY
man

AGE: 24
JOB: Social Outreach & Community Development Coordinator [Ed note: Ryan runs a popular hotdog blog.]
DO YOU HAVE A PHYSICAL TYPE?: I honestly don’t. I’m really open to all different types of thin women with brown hair and bangs.
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE THINGS TO DO OUTSIDE OF WORK?: I love to live in the moment, you know? What could be better than turning off your phone to reconnect with nature at the exact time you’re supposed to be getting drinks with the new girl you’re seeing? What could be more rewarding than breathing in the polluted summer air while she sits alone at the craft whiskey bar you insisted on even though it’s a 45-minute train ride from her apartment?
WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS: Honestly, the answer to that depends on which way you’re measuring time.

JACOB ORENSTEIN
lawyerman

AGE: 41
JOB: “Lawyer.” Haha no yeah I’m actually a lawyer.
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE THINGS TO DO OUTSIDE OF WORK: I actually have this huge passion for, I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, comedy? It’s this niche thing where you take things that seem one way, and then make people see them in a different way. Anyway, I’m on a semi-prominent indie improv team.
WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FIRST DATE: I love to take women to stand-up shows and explain to them my definition of comedy while the show is going on.
WHAT DO YOU LOVE MOST ABOUT YOUR JOB AS A LAWYER: (thinks for twenty minutes) (bursts into tears) (wipes tears with a handkerchief in his breast pocket) (the handkerchief is emblazoned with a picture of Stephen Colbert) (thinks for twenty more minutes) Very fast printer.
WHAT PEOPLE DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU: My real passion is actually the intersection of comedy and politics.

CYPRUS VAN PERSIE
man

AGE: A gentleman’s 27
JOB: I make stuff [Ed note: Cyprus takes other people’s Instagrams and posts them to his own Instagram.]
LOCATION: Greenpoint and THE WORLD
WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A SIGNIFICANT OTHER: A muse -- a beautiful woman who will inspire my work but not challenge it or ask for credit for her ideas. And she can’t get upset when I need to work -- I have a habit of disappearing for a week and a half if I get in the zone or if you ask me to take you on an actual date.
YOUR IDEA OF THE PERFECT NIGHT OUT: I’ll tell her about a bunch of obscure songs and she’ll tell me I remind her of at least one white male author from the 20th century.
THING YOU’RE MOST PROUD OF: I wrote my college thesis on the sunglasses emoji.

MAX LOWELL
man

AGE: 24
JOB: Just some random software designer at Google. I don’t know it’s dumb.
LOCATION: Currently my lame rooftop.
CELEBRITY DOPPELGANGER: Oh man, I’m not even close to attractive enough to have a celebrity doppelganger. I guess maybe like, Jonah Hill? [Ed note: ...see photo.]
WORST TRAIT: I’m a dumb idiot [Ed. note: Max was Phi Beta Kappa at Yale.]
WHAT DO YOU MOST LIKE TO DO OUTSIDE OF WORK: I guess I like to read literature about loner guys just trying to make their way in the world. Haha I bet I sound like a real asshole -- like I’m the first kid to discover Dostoyevsky, you know? I did start a renewed interest in him among my generation though.
WHAT’S YOUR DEEPEST DARKEST SECRET: I was a nerd until 10th grade and it hurt my feelings :(

DAMIAN MERCHANT


AGE: 23
JOB: CEO of Rag, an app that lets you know if a potential hookup is on her period.
WORST TRAIT: Dropping too much money to take a pretty girl out on the night of her life.
WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A SIGNIFICANT OTHER: She should be super super super super hot but also approachable in the way that she doesn’t know how to pronounce “crudité.”
MOST ROMANTIC THING YOU’VE EVER DONE FOR A GIRL: Listened to her talk for 20 minutes.

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