Sometimes it’s totally OK to have sex on the first date

She Knows

The No-Sex on The First Date doctrine is just one of the many rules that I suggest my clients and the readers of my new book Screwing The Rules; the No-Games Guide to Love rethink in order to finally find true, deep and lasting love.

Because dating isn't about games (which are perceived as manipulation). It's about strategy, smarts, authenticity and heart.

So back to the first date sex…

If you want to have sex on the first date, then do it. Sex is a personal and private matter and not something that someone else can dictate. In fact, no one should have power or influence over your decision as to whether or not you should have sex on the first date, fifth date, 90th day or wedding day; not your best friend, your mom, your mentor or the person you are going to have sex with. Only you can make the decision as to when the time is right for you.

Want to have first date sex?

That's fine. There are couples who have sex on the first date and end up in totally healthy, enduring relationships that lead to happy and fulfilling marriages, just as there are people who had sex on the first date and never spoke again, just as there are couples who waited until they were in a committed relationship and broke up after a few months, just as there are couples who don't have sex and don't go beyond date eight. But if you want to up your chances of being respected after, having the sex turn into a relationship and not beating yourself up for doing it: Have emotional intimacy before physical intimacy. If you pre-qualified effectively first, you've already started building that emotionally intimate relationship.

So what's the rhyme and reason? There isn't one. Here are the facts:

Most first dates don't turn into relationships.

Having sex once in a committed relationship doesn't guarantee that you'll stay together.

Having sex is an emotional and physical act that can help bond your connection and simultaneously be a lot of fun.

Here are the dos and don'ts when it comes to sex:

  • DO have protected sex: Use a condom.
  • DO protect yourself emotionally. Communicate your honest expectations before the deed is done.
  • DO pre-qualify him first. Ask the right questions, get emotionally raw, be authentic, get to know each other on a deep level.
  • DO open your mouth before you open your legs. Communicate. Talk about your dating purpose so you can gauge if you're on the same page.
  • DO have fun and let go! If you're not going to be there emotionally, don't go there physically. Either commit full on to the act or save it for later. Make a decision, which means to decide yes or no, not "I don't know… I guess OK."
  • DON'T feel pressured. Only have sex if you really want to have sex. It's your decision.
  • DON'T regret. If you're going to regret it, don't do it! If you are questioning if you should do it and you feel like you should stop it, don't have sex!
  • DON'T assume you're in a relationship after. If you know that you normally become attached after you have sex, don't have sex yet!

Sex can be an emotional glue. But if you're not comfortable going there yet, then don't.

Don't believe me? Maybe hearing it from the "horse's" mouth will help

Steve, 33

"Laurel really hit the nail on the head with this one. Sex is very much a personal choice, much like religion. No one is as qualified to make that decision as you are. If sex is all you're looking for and you've communicated that with your date then, so be it. But like she said, be safe and be smart about it. If you're too afraid to ask them about STD's and how they feel about using contraceptives, then you might want to postpone the plunge a little longer.

"One of the biggest regrets most people find themselves with is having sex for the wrong reasons. Don't have sex to keep a relationship together or because you feel pressured. Do it because it's what you want, and it feels right. If your intuition is hesitant about the decision and something feels off, trust yourself... something is probably off. You know you better than anyone else. If you're a serial monogamist, then waiting until you're in a committed relationship makes sense. But if you're just looking to have a fun time and let go, then by all means, do it."

Yes! Yes! Yes! Well, only if you want to, that is.

For more rules to screw, plus all sorts of dating, love and even breakup advice, make sure to pick up my new book Screwing The Rules; The No-Games Guide to Love. May as well get a copy for all of your single friends for the holidays, or to help with their New Year, New Man plan.

Photo credit: Mazzali/Flickr
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